Back on it!

I've been doing the opposite of blogging lately. Granted, there have been some distractions, but I need to have more discipline.

That's actually something I was talking to Curtis about the other day: structure, discipline, and follow-through. That's what I feel like I'm lacking right now in my life.

It really hit me when I had my recent week of work. I thought I'd hate getting out of the house; it's not that I'm lazy, per se (although I'm pretty lazy) . . . it's more that I've cocooned myself here. It's safe. I'm happy. I have days of nothingness. And for months, that's how I lived, until I got to the point that I was afraid to leave the house. Maybe I couldn't leave the house anymore.

However, upon leaving the house and working for only a few days, I realized I'd missed it. I missed getting dressed, leaving the house, doing things, coming home. Being at home all the time, the way I have been for so long, makes me not EVER want to leave home. Being out makes me want to stay out. I have this all-or-nothing issue, I realize, something I need to balance.

But I do know that I need more structure in my life, and that I need to discipline myself, and I need to follow through on my plans.

The last thing is the worst. For example, just this year, I have:

1) Said that I would "do something" with all of the stuff we cleaned out of Mom's house and is now sitting in the basement. I have "done nothing" with this stuff.

2) Said that I would lose 20 pounds. I lost 14 pounds . . . then gained 8 of those back. So I've lost a grand total of 6 pounds. Go me.

3) Said that I would train for a 5K in October. I gave up pretty early.

In related events, I try to work out, but get frustrated and stop. I try to do a budget, and get frustrated and stop. I try to remember to take my pills, but simply forget, and then things go haywire. I have The Apache Marriage Blessing Cross-Stitch sitting in the side bedroom, and I started it TEN YEARS AGO.

I have this long history of having plans, having goals, not following through, and then becoming terribly disappointed in myself.

Just the other day, Ian and I were talking, and I told him I had two whole books that I'd written, that sit and mock me. I'd lost so much confidence in myself while I was at USC the first time, and in the time since then, that I just couldn't convince myself to send these off. And writing, as I've said before, was the only thing I ever wanted to do . . . and I couldn't even follow through on that.

So I've promised Ian that I'd send off my manuscripts. Although I worry about what the almost certain rejection will do to me . . . it's nice to have a goal. I have to dig up one of them; I knew where it was before, but I don't now. So we'll see.