I should be up . . .

I had an interview last Tuesday, with the Department of Revenue. I have an interview tomorrow. I have a potential interview on the horizon in the next few weeks.

So I should be up, right?

Right.

But I'm not.

I'm not DOWN, mind you. I'm not where I was a month ago. I'm not lying on my side on the couch, crying uncontrollably. I'm in a seated upright position. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm getting things done. I'm seeing friends. I'm leaving the house. I make it for weeks at a time without collapsing into a puddle of tears.

But I'm feeling disheartened, despite it all.

I've been told, by professionals, that I'm doing all the right things: I'm applying for jobs, I'm contacting people for help, I'm networking, I have a different resume for every job, I rewrite my cover letter for every application (but will actually be revamping it considerably soon, as I have learned that it is too long, damn wordy me), I write thank-yous for every interview.

I know all of this.

But what has me down is that I don't seem to be able to BUY a job in the city of Columbia.

Here's a rundown of the jobs I've interviewed for, their location, and their ultimate outcome:

Library Interview 1: King County Library System, Washington State; position was rescinded.
Library Interview 2: USC; I was a finalist, someone else got it.
Library Interview 3: Virginia Tech; didn't get it.
Library Interview 4: Union County Library, Union SC; this job was a strong possibility for me, but I decided it was not for me and removed myself from consideration.
Library Interview 5: Oklahoma City; no word yet.
Library Interview 6: Yuma County Library System, AZ; tomorrow; don't know.
Library Interview ?7?: George Mason, Fairfax VA; don't know whether this interview will even happen.

Non-library Interview 1: DoR, Columbia; won't know for at least 2 more weeks. Don't feel good about this, for some reason.

Employment Agency Interview 1: Belk; didn't get this.
Employment Agency Interview 2: SCANA; didn't get this.

I've applied for every Columbia-area library job I've seen posted, for USC, RCPL, Columbia College, Lexington County Public Library, South Carolina State Library . . . nothing. I've had exactly 1 interview. I have quite a few live applications out there, for RCPL, for USC. We'll see, I suppose.

I've applied for library jobs in South Carolina, in Myrtle Beach, Charleston, Oconee County. Not one interview.

I've applied for state, county, city jobs that have nothing to do with libraries, but sound like good jobs. Not one interview.

I started out only looking in my field, but have branched out considerably.

My employment agencies contact me about jobs that go nowhere; not even an interview. I've redone my resume completely and sent to one of them. In the hopes that I might get a job paying $9 an hour, as someone's secretary, I've removed all of my education except my BA (but I might take that off too); removed all of my library experience; reworded all of my supervisory experience (instead of being the head of a department, I'm just in that department); and added in experience in typing, data entry, and in customer-service and cashier positions. My original resume, with all my experience, was meant to show how varied and skilled I am; well, that didn't work. So maybe this one will show how capable of taking direction and typing I am.

Curtis and I talk about leaving. We talk about the pros and cons. I don't want to leave the wonderful friends and life and house I have here. I don't want to start over for the third time in my life in a brand-new place. But if I can't get a job here, there's not much point in staying here, never being able to go do things with my wonderful friends, having no wonderful life, and having my house go into foreclosure.

So if I get a job somewhere else, we really will literally HAVE to leave.

Then again, it's not like I've been offered a position at any of the over-there places either.

So, per a friend's suggestion today, I'm going to try applying at Publix, Wal-Mart, and Target.

And if they don't hire me, I'm going to buy a gas stove. A nice one, like Sylvia had.

Jobs and the Universe

I finally heard from the DoR; they called last week, and I have an interview tomorrow. I'm nervous, but I'm trying to channel my nervous energy into learning more about the department, the job, and all their publications.

What's making me feel better about all of this are my recent horoscopes from my Sagittarius page-a-day calendar. I know that sounds like a lot of hooey, but just check these out . . .

Wednesday, September 8: The New Moon could deliver social and career opportunities, any of which could usher in a new era of success and recognition for your good work. This was the day they called about the interview.

Thursday, September 9: You're already affiliated with the people who can hasten the achievement of one of your goals. So get out your Sherlock Holmes deerstalker cap and sleuth out who they are. I know a lot of people at the DoR, two of whom were giving me great advice, and many of whom were and are advocating for me.

Saturday and Sunday, September 11 and 12: Cue the Hallelujah chorus: Mercury is direct again. This should encourage you to think in bold strokes and maybe even (gasp!) take a chance on some of your bolder ambitions. I'm not sure whether this has to do with my job, or with working on writing and trying to get published again.

Monday, September 13: Excellent news! Pluto has finally gone direct. Now both your finances and your sense of the most efficient way to deploy your talents and assets are likely to fluff back up.

Tuesday, September 14 (the day of my interview; yes, I looked ahead, shut up): Mars in broody Scorpio could accelerate your anxiety-generating mechanism. The antidote for insecurity: make an effort to expect the best outcome from each situation.

In further job news . . .

I'm waiting to hear from the DoR. They're taking their own sweet time. I know it's the government, and they move like the second coming of Christ (as my mother would have said), but shit, guys, pull it together.

Tracy is taking my resume to the director of RCPL, which I appreciate greatly. I volunteered last week for Amnesty Week, and I think that got me some good exposure.

I've applied to quite a few jobs with the city and the state; I was declared "disqualified" for some office-assistant job with the state.

I have an interview tomorrow; it's a telephone interview with a lady from the Cowboy Museum of Oklahoma City. I don't have any desire whatsoever to live in Oklahoma, but the job (Processing Archivist) is a job I'd love to have. Even though Curtis asked if I'd advised her in my cover letter that he was going to burn down their museum. I said no.

I'm also following up on some leads with a variety of people.

Finally, we made the decision to go to the SCLA conference in October, in Myrtle Beach. I think that will be a good experience; I'll meet people, network, get my name out there, meet some people.

I'm working it! I'm trying!

Back on it!

I've been doing the opposite of blogging lately. Granted, there have been some distractions, but I need to have more discipline.

That's actually something I was talking to Curtis about the other day: structure, discipline, and follow-through. That's what I feel like I'm lacking right now in my life.

It really hit me when I had my recent week of work. I thought I'd hate getting out of the house; it's not that I'm lazy, per se (although I'm pretty lazy) . . . it's more that I've cocooned myself here. It's safe. I'm happy. I have days of nothingness. And for months, that's how I lived, until I got to the point that I was afraid to leave the house. Maybe I couldn't leave the house anymore.

However, upon leaving the house and working for only a few days, I realized I'd missed it. I missed getting dressed, leaving the house, doing things, coming home. Being at home all the time, the way I have been for so long, makes me not EVER want to leave home. Being out makes me want to stay out. I have this all-or-nothing issue, I realize, something I need to balance.

But I do know that I need more structure in my life, and that I need to discipline myself, and I need to follow through on my plans.

The last thing is the worst. For example, just this year, I have:

1) Said that I would "do something" with all of the stuff we cleaned out of Mom's house and is now sitting in the basement. I have "done nothing" with this stuff.

2) Said that I would lose 20 pounds. I lost 14 pounds . . . then gained 8 of those back. So I've lost a grand total of 6 pounds. Go me.

3) Said that I would train for a 5K in October. I gave up pretty early.

In related events, I try to work out, but get frustrated and stop. I try to do a budget, and get frustrated and stop. I try to remember to take my pills, but simply forget, and then things go haywire. I have The Apache Marriage Blessing Cross-Stitch sitting in the side bedroom, and I started it TEN YEARS AGO.

I have this long history of having plans, having goals, not following through, and then becoming terribly disappointed in myself.

Just the other day, Ian and I were talking, and I told him I had two whole books that I'd written, that sit and mock me. I'd lost so much confidence in myself while I was at USC the first time, and in the time since then, that I just couldn't convince myself to send these off. And writing, as I've said before, was the only thing I ever wanted to do . . . and I couldn't even follow through on that.

So I've promised Ian that I'd send off my manuscripts. Although I worry about what the almost certain rejection will do to me . . . it's nice to have a goal. I have to dig up one of them; I knew where it was before, but I don't now. So we'll see.