THERE ARE NO MAGIC FAIRIES

I read this article today: http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_asked/2011/06/06/bad_wedding_photos/index.html.

When I did, I thought of my dear friend Shannon, who was also the co-owner of our now-dissolved event- and wedding-planning business.

This question from the LW is about a lot of things, and the overarching theme is "I disappointed my mother and now she is mad at me."

But there's a part in the middle that is so familiar, and when I read it, I had to laugh. And Shannon will know what I am talking about.

While this letter is mostly about the LW's feelings about her mother, this section recalled a situation Shannon and I sometimes faced:

The photography was a disaster -- again, my fault, as I provided no list or guidance -- and as a result there are so many "must-have" shots that didn't happen. There were no formal shots taken of just her and me, and just a handful of candids.

I wasn't focused at the event -- it seemed as if the whole thing was swirling around me, by me, through me, above me -- yet somehow outside of and without me. It was pretty much the reverse of what you normally hear -- things are usually chaotic and hectic and stressful leading up to the day, but then the actual event nearly always turns out well. This was the opposite -- there was no stress at all leading up to the wedding, but the event was a failure . . .

Again, the LW goes on to say that she is more worried about her relationship with her mother, as she should be.

But there is a truth in this excerpt, and something that we faced from time to time.

Shannon and I loved the time we spent as event- and wedding-planners. We met amazing people, we worked with fabulous professionals in the business.

And we LOVED working with the hyper-organized, the anal retentive, the planners, the plotters, the overly concerned. While it was our job to keep everything in hand and moving and organized, and while we loved giving advice and guiding clients to the best vendor for them, we always appreciated a client who was, if not right in step with us, then one step ahead.

And once in a while, we would work with a couple or an individual who thought that his/her/their wedding or event would happen because of work by The Magic Event Fairies.

Again, we enjoyed working with everyone . . . and we enjoyed working with the free spirits . . . but we became very frustrated when our attempts to, oh, I don't know, DO OUR JOBS were met with "It'll get done!" or "We'll handle this later" or "Don't worry, it'll get taken care of."

Life, in general, often does "just happen." Things occur, and things just magically work out. Crazy things happen, and you do your best to prevent them, but sometimes, well, there you go.

But when you are inviting 200 people to a place, at a certain time, and feeding them, and entertaining them, THAT DOES NOT "JUST HAPPEN." I am sorry to disabuse you of the notion that large, complicated weddings are natural events that just fall out of the sky. THEY DO NOT DO THAT. Large, complicated weddings occur because either you, or the professionals you have paid, are doing their jobs. And the more you can do to help them--like give them lists of pictures you want, instead of complaining later about their sucky photography--the better a job they'll do. And the closer your wedding or event will be to what you want.

Perhaps because of a fear of becoming known as a "Bridezilla" or as "anal" . . . perhaps because of an innate hatred of planning, or the simple inability to do so . . . perhaps just lacking the organizing gene, or the interesting in coordination, there are people in the world who want big fancy parties, complete with trapeze artists and ponies and full orchestras and 6-course dinners and Cristal toasts, but who literally have no conception that you have to PLAN for these things. They can have all of these things, but they don't understand that these things do not occur by saying "I'm getting married on [date]," and then, magically, having trapeze artists and ponies and orchestras and dinners and expensive champagne fall out of the sky.

We dreaded hearing "No problem, it'll happen. Why are you so WORRIED about this?" We're worried because YOU PAID US.

Because if something goes wrong, due to something YOU did wrong, or didn't do early enough or quickly enough or correctly enough, no one will say to you "You screwed up your party/event/wedding. You should've made more lists. You should've called the right people. You should've planned better, faster, more carefully."

Nope. When your event goes wrong, because you didn't make enough lists or enough calls, and you've hired us, we know what happens.

"That planner didn't do her job. How much did you pay her?"

And because you know the score, you'll say "Too much."

So, to avoid the stress and hassle, to avoid the bad pictures, to avoid the disaster, you have these three choices:

1) Have a big event, and hire a coordinator. When you meet with this coordinator, make sure you get your part done. Make sure you help your coordinator do his/her job. Make sure that if you're not going to help, you're at least not going to get in the way.

2) Have a big event, without a coordinator . . . but DO YOUR JOB. Don't expect the Magic Event Fairies to show up with prime rib and hairstyles and programs and ponies. If you are not naturally a planner, then WORK ON IT. Do not think that your giant event will occur simply because you want it to.

3) Don't have a big event. If you can't handle the planning, the stress, the decisions, the lists, the coordination . . . then go to the justice of the peace. Or get married in someone's backyard with 15 people, then eat at a restaurant afterward, or have a cookout. If you can't personally make what you want happen . . . don't do it. You don't need a giant wedding. You don't need a big event. You'll be just as married by a JotP as you are if you go to St. Patrick's Cathedral and then the ballroom at the Mandarin Oriental. Your husband's birthday will happen in your backyard as well as it will in the private room of Ruth's Chris.