At the crossroads. I'll make sure to look out for Daniel-San and Britney.

First, some background, just so you understand exactly how I have gone about job searching up to this point:

1) There are certain jobs I simply will not apply for.

There is no point in applying for positions such as "Library Director" or "Head of _____ Services." I will not get these jobs. I have applied for a couple here and there, but those are the exception, not the rule--one was when I was still pretty idealistic about all this; the other is the Union County job, and that's only because I was urged to apply for it.

I do not wish to be a children's librarian or to work in a school library.

But anything else is fair game.

2) When applying in Columbia, I look at the RCPL, USC, SC State Library, and SC Library Association sites every other day, if not every day. I apply to jobs I doubt I can get, but I still apply because you don't know if you don't try . . . and I also apply to jobs I know I am overqualified for, because you have to start somewhere. However, even after these many, many applications, I have gotten exactly 1 interview for a position here in Columbia. And I did not get that job.

3) To increase my chances of getting a job in my field, I have been applying to other jobs in other places. I receive notifications from the ALA, LISjobs.com, and the Society of American Archivists. I perform other general searches on other sites. Again, I apply to jobs I know I cannot get, and I apply to jobs I know I am overqualified for, because you have to start somewhere. However, even after these many, many applications, I have gotten exactly 2 interviews; 1 of those will take place this Friday (which I'll get to in a moment), and the other is for a job that was rescinded due to budget cuts.

4) There are, of course, jobs that are less or more desirable than other jobs. And there is no such thing as a perfect job. Take, for example, the position I interviewed for at the King County Library System. It was in a great place . . . it paid somewhat well . . . but I'm not all that excited about working in a public library, and I don't want to work in public services. Or the job I interviewed for at Thomas Cooper: we wouldn't have to move . . . it was in an academic library . . . but I wasn't all that thrilled with the position, which didn't pay well at all. Or the job I applied for with the Montana State Historical Society. I have absolutely no desire to live in Montana . . . and the pay was terrible . . . but I'd love to work for an historical society, and the position, archivist, is one of my dream jobs.

So, you see, there's no such thing as a perfect job, unless I were offered the chance to be the head of Special Collections for UVA. And that ain't gonna happen.

With all of this in mind, we come to this past Friday, when I received an email from Virginia Tech Human Resources, offering me an interview for a job I'd applied for. I was thrilled. I have an interview with them this coming Friday.

But it has become more of a mixed blessing than a reason to celebrate. The problem is the job itself. It's in a desirable place . . . it's in an academic library . . . and it's in technical services, which is what I want. But the pay is not great. In fact, it's pretty crappy.

These circumstances have led Curtis and me to have a long, in-depth conversation about it, and about my job search, and about life in general.

After a great deal of thought, consideration, soul-searching, and discussion, I have come to a point not only in my job search, but also in my life, in which I have realized and accepted the following:

1) We can only move out of Columbia if the following conditions exist:

a) Curtis can definitely get a job in the new place. I had previously thought this would be pretty easy, as I was under the impression that there were a lot of jobs out there in his field, but that is apparently not the case.

b) I will make $60,000 or more. This is not going to happen, at least not now. Maybe in 20 years, but not now.

c) The cost of living in the new place is lower than Columbia.

2) Because I cannot guarantee A or C, but I can guarantee B, I have decided to stop looking for a job outside of Columbia. There's no point.

3) While I will still look for jobs in my field in Columbia, I am going to relax my search. It will actually be a lot easier now; there are so few of them. But since there's no way we can move, there's no point in looking.

4) I will, however, step up my efforts to find jobs outside of my field. I will be visiting 3 employment agencies this week to try to find temporary employment, or perhaps temp-to-perm employment, in the administrative or clerical sector.

5) If I do not have a job in my field in Columbia by next May, I will stop looking permanently.

6) If I do not have a job in the administrative or clerical field by Labor Day, I will begin applying for jobs in retail or restaurants.

7) Moving is not off the table, though. Curtis would like to move. And because it is a surety that he will make more money than I, no matter where we go, I am leaving it up to him to find a job in another city.

8) Once he has found said job, we'll move. I'll look for a job in my field leading up to the time we move and for three months after we have relocated, but then I will return to working in the administrative field.

9) In the meantime, I need to find a new purpose in my life. I genuinely feel that I have wasted my life, as well as a great deal of money, and you can tell me until you're blue in the face that I haven't, but that is not going to change how I feel. Because every day that I get up and don't go to work and read yet another rejection letter and wonder how bad it is that our mortgage is late again and watch my savings dwindle is another exhibit in the prosecution's case of Life v. Evans.

Because of this, I have become utterly unmoored, I feel that I am worthless and that I lack purpose, and I become increasingly more depressed every day. I'm going to keep blogging. I'm going to keep leaving the house. I'm going to start seeing my doctor more often. I'm going to try very, very hard to do yoga more often, and I'm going to try to get back on the 5K training. Maybe I'll start writing in earnest again. Maybe I'll become a better housekeeper.

So, in summing up, that's where we are now. We're not leaving Columbia unless it's economically feasible. I've stopped looking outside Columbia. I'm going to continue looking in Columbia, but until then, I'm going to be a secretary, assuming I can get a job in that field. We're moving if Curtis finds a job somewhere else. I have wasted my life. I need to find a new purpose.