THERE ARE NO MAGIC FAIRIES

I read this article today: http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_asked/2011/06/06/bad_wedding_photos/index.html.

When I did, I thought of my dear friend Shannon, who was also the co-owner of our now-dissolved event- and wedding-planning business.

This question from the LW is about a lot of things, and the overarching theme is "I disappointed my mother and now she is mad at me."

But there's a part in the middle that is so familiar, and when I read it, I had to laugh. And Shannon will know what I am talking about.

While this letter is mostly about the LW's feelings about her mother, this section recalled a situation Shannon and I sometimes faced:

The photography was a disaster -- again, my fault, as I provided no list or guidance -- and as a result there are so many "must-have" shots that didn't happen. There were no formal shots taken of just her and me, and just a handful of candids.

I wasn't focused at the event -- it seemed as if the whole thing was swirling around me, by me, through me, above me -- yet somehow outside of and without me. It was pretty much the reverse of what you normally hear -- things are usually chaotic and hectic and stressful leading up to the day, but then the actual event nearly always turns out well. This was the opposite -- there was no stress at all leading up to the wedding, but the event was a failure . . .

Again, the LW goes on to say that she is more worried about her relationship with her mother, as she should be.

But there is a truth in this excerpt, and something that we faced from time to time.

Shannon and I loved the time we spent as event- and wedding-planners. We met amazing people, we worked with fabulous professionals in the business.

And we LOVED working with the hyper-organized, the anal retentive, the planners, the plotters, the overly concerned. While it was our job to keep everything in hand and moving and organized, and while we loved giving advice and guiding clients to the best vendor for them, we always appreciated a client who was, if not right in step with us, then one step ahead.

And once in a while, we would work with a couple or an individual who thought that his/her/their wedding or event would happen because of work by The Magic Event Fairies.

Again, we enjoyed working with everyone . . . and we enjoyed working with the free spirits . . . but we became very frustrated when our attempts to, oh, I don't know, DO OUR JOBS were met with "It'll get done!" or "We'll handle this later" or "Don't worry, it'll get taken care of."

Life, in general, often does "just happen." Things occur, and things just magically work out. Crazy things happen, and you do your best to prevent them, but sometimes, well, there you go.

But when you are inviting 200 people to a place, at a certain time, and feeding them, and entertaining them, THAT DOES NOT "JUST HAPPEN." I am sorry to disabuse you of the notion that large, complicated weddings are natural events that just fall out of the sky. THEY DO NOT DO THAT. Large, complicated weddings occur because either you, or the professionals you have paid, are doing their jobs. And the more you can do to help them--like give them lists of pictures you want, instead of complaining later about their sucky photography--the better a job they'll do. And the closer your wedding or event will be to what you want.

Perhaps because of a fear of becoming known as a "Bridezilla" or as "anal" . . . perhaps because of an innate hatred of planning, or the simple inability to do so . . . perhaps just lacking the organizing gene, or the interesting in coordination, there are people in the world who want big fancy parties, complete with trapeze artists and ponies and full orchestras and 6-course dinners and Cristal toasts, but who literally have no conception that you have to PLAN for these things. They can have all of these things, but they don't understand that these things do not occur by saying "I'm getting married on [date]," and then, magically, having trapeze artists and ponies and orchestras and dinners and expensive champagne fall out of the sky.

We dreaded hearing "No problem, it'll happen. Why are you so WORRIED about this?" We're worried because YOU PAID US.

Because if something goes wrong, due to something YOU did wrong, or didn't do early enough or quickly enough or correctly enough, no one will say to you "You screwed up your party/event/wedding. You should've made more lists. You should've called the right people. You should've planned better, faster, more carefully."

Nope. When your event goes wrong, because you didn't make enough lists or enough calls, and you've hired us, we know what happens.

"That planner didn't do her job. How much did you pay her?"

And because you know the score, you'll say "Too much."

So, to avoid the stress and hassle, to avoid the bad pictures, to avoid the disaster, you have these three choices:

1) Have a big event, and hire a coordinator. When you meet with this coordinator, make sure you get your part done. Make sure you help your coordinator do his/her job. Make sure that if you're not going to help, you're at least not going to get in the way.

2) Have a big event, without a coordinator . . . but DO YOUR JOB. Don't expect the Magic Event Fairies to show up with prime rib and hairstyles and programs and ponies. If you are not naturally a planner, then WORK ON IT. Do not think that your giant event will occur simply because you want it to.

3) Don't have a big event. If you can't handle the planning, the stress, the decisions, the lists, the coordination . . . then go to the justice of the peace. Or get married in someone's backyard with 15 people, then eat at a restaurant afterward, or have a cookout. If you can't personally make what you want happen . . . don't do it. You don't need a giant wedding. You don't need a big event. You'll be just as married by a JotP as you are if you go to St. Patrick's Cathedral and then the ballroom at the Mandarin Oriental. Your husband's birthday will happen in your backyard as well as it will in the private room of Ruth's Chris.

I should be up . . .

I had an interview last Tuesday, with the Department of Revenue. I have an interview tomorrow. I have a potential interview on the horizon in the next few weeks.

So I should be up, right?

Right.

But I'm not.

I'm not DOWN, mind you. I'm not where I was a month ago. I'm not lying on my side on the couch, crying uncontrollably. I'm in a seated upright position. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm getting things done. I'm seeing friends. I'm leaving the house. I make it for weeks at a time without collapsing into a puddle of tears.

But I'm feeling disheartened, despite it all.

I've been told, by professionals, that I'm doing all the right things: I'm applying for jobs, I'm contacting people for help, I'm networking, I have a different resume for every job, I rewrite my cover letter for every application (but will actually be revamping it considerably soon, as I have learned that it is too long, damn wordy me), I write thank-yous for every interview.

I know all of this.

But what has me down is that I don't seem to be able to BUY a job in the city of Columbia.

Here's a rundown of the jobs I've interviewed for, their location, and their ultimate outcome:

Library Interview 1: King County Library System, Washington State; position was rescinded.
Library Interview 2: USC; I was a finalist, someone else got it.
Library Interview 3: Virginia Tech; didn't get it.
Library Interview 4: Union County Library, Union SC; this job was a strong possibility for me, but I decided it was not for me and removed myself from consideration.
Library Interview 5: Oklahoma City; no word yet.
Library Interview 6: Yuma County Library System, AZ; tomorrow; don't know.
Library Interview ?7?: George Mason, Fairfax VA; don't know whether this interview will even happen.

Non-library Interview 1: DoR, Columbia; won't know for at least 2 more weeks. Don't feel good about this, for some reason.

Employment Agency Interview 1: Belk; didn't get this.
Employment Agency Interview 2: SCANA; didn't get this.

I've applied for every Columbia-area library job I've seen posted, for USC, RCPL, Columbia College, Lexington County Public Library, South Carolina State Library . . . nothing. I've had exactly 1 interview. I have quite a few live applications out there, for RCPL, for USC. We'll see, I suppose.

I've applied for library jobs in South Carolina, in Myrtle Beach, Charleston, Oconee County. Not one interview.

I've applied for state, county, city jobs that have nothing to do with libraries, but sound like good jobs. Not one interview.

I started out only looking in my field, but have branched out considerably.

My employment agencies contact me about jobs that go nowhere; not even an interview. I've redone my resume completely and sent to one of them. In the hopes that I might get a job paying $9 an hour, as someone's secretary, I've removed all of my education except my BA (but I might take that off too); removed all of my library experience; reworded all of my supervisory experience (instead of being the head of a department, I'm just in that department); and added in experience in typing, data entry, and in customer-service and cashier positions. My original resume, with all my experience, was meant to show how varied and skilled I am; well, that didn't work. So maybe this one will show how capable of taking direction and typing I am.

Curtis and I talk about leaving. We talk about the pros and cons. I don't want to leave the wonderful friends and life and house I have here. I don't want to start over for the third time in my life in a brand-new place. But if I can't get a job here, there's not much point in staying here, never being able to go do things with my wonderful friends, having no wonderful life, and having my house go into foreclosure.

So if I get a job somewhere else, we really will literally HAVE to leave.

Then again, it's not like I've been offered a position at any of the over-there places either.

So, per a friend's suggestion today, I'm going to try applying at Publix, Wal-Mart, and Target.

And if they don't hire me, I'm going to buy a gas stove. A nice one, like Sylvia had.

Jobs and the Universe

I finally heard from the DoR; they called last week, and I have an interview tomorrow. I'm nervous, but I'm trying to channel my nervous energy into learning more about the department, the job, and all their publications.

What's making me feel better about all of this are my recent horoscopes from my Sagittarius page-a-day calendar. I know that sounds like a lot of hooey, but just check these out . . .

Wednesday, September 8: The New Moon could deliver social and career opportunities, any of which could usher in a new era of success and recognition for your good work. This was the day they called about the interview.

Thursday, September 9: You're already affiliated with the people who can hasten the achievement of one of your goals. So get out your Sherlock Holmes deerstalker cap and sleuth out who they are. I know a lot of people at the DoR, two of whom were giving me great advice, and many of whom were and are advocating for me.

Saturday and Sunday, September 11 and 12: Cue the Hallelujah chorus: Mercury is direct again. This should encourage you to think in bold strokes and maybe even (gasp!) take a chance on some of your bolder ambitions. I'm not sure whether this has to do with my job, or with working on writing and trying to get published again.

Monday, September 13: Excellent news! Pluto has finally gone direct. Now both your finances and your sense of the most efficient way to deploy your talents and assets are likely to fluff back up.

Tuesday, September 14 (the day of my interview; yes, I looked ahead, shut up): Mars in broody Scorpio could accelerate your anxiety-generating mechanism. The antidote for insecurity: make an effort to expect the best outcome from each situation.

In further job news . . .

I'm waiting to hear from the DoR. They're taking their own sweet time. I know it's the government, and they move like the second coming of Christ (as my mother would have said), but shit, guys, pull it together.

Tracy is taking my resume to the director of RCPL, which I appreciate greatly. I volunteered last week for Amnesty Week, and I think that got me some good exposure.

I've applied to quite a few jobs with the city and the state; I was declared "disqualified" for some office-assistant job with the state.

I have an interview tomorrow; it's a telephone interview with a lady from the Cowboy Museum of Oklahoma City. I don't have any desire whatsoever to live in Oklahoma, but the job (Processing Archivist) is a job I'd love to have. Even though Curtis asked if I'd advised her in my cover letter that he was going to burn down their museum. I said no.

I'm also following up on some leads with a variety of people.

Finally, we made the decision to go to the SCLA conference in October, in Myrtle Beach. I think that will be a good experience; I'll meet people, network, get my name out there, meet some people.

I'm working it! I'm trying!

Back on it!

I've been doing the opposite of blogging lately. Granted, there have been some distractions, but I need to have more discipline.

That's actually something I was talking to Curtis about the other day: structure, discipline, and follow-through. That's what I feel like I'm lacking right now in my life.

It really hit me when I had my recent week of work. I thought I'd hate getting out of the house; it's not that I'm lazy, per se (although I'm pretty lazy) . . . it's more that I've cocooned myself here. It's safe. I'm happy. I have days of nothingness. And for months, that's how I lived, until I got to the point that I was afraid to leave the house. Maybe I couldn't leave the house anymore.

However, upon leaving the house and working for only a few days, I realized I'd missed it. I missed getting dressed, leaving the house, doing things, coming home. Being at home all the time, the way I have been for so long, makes me not EVER want to leave home. Being out makes me want to stay out. I have this all-or-nothing issue, I realize, something I need to balance.

But I do know that I need more structure in my life, and that I need to discipline myself, and I need to follow through on my plans.

The last thing is the worst. For example, just this year, I have:

1) Said that I would "do something" with all of the stuff we cleaned out of Mom's house and is now sitting in the basement. I have "done nothing" with this stuff.

2) Said that I would lose 20 pounds. I lost 14 pounds . . . then gained 8 of those back. So I've lost a grand total of 6 pounds. Go me.

3) Said that I would train for a 5K in October. I gave up pretty early.

In related events, I try to work out, but get frustrated and stop. I try to do a budget, and get frustrated and stop. I try to remember to take my pills, but simply forget, and then things go haywire. I have The Apache Marriage Blessing Cross-Stitch sitting in the side bedroom, and I started it TEN YEARS AGO.

I have this long history of having plans, having goals, not following through, and then becoming terribly disappointed in myself.

Just the other day, Ian and I were talking, and I told him I had two whole books that I'd written, that sit and mock me. I'd lost so much confidence in myself while I was at USC the first time, and in the time since then, that I just couldn't convince myself to send these off. And writing, as I've said before, was the only thing I ever wanted to do . . . and I couldn't even follow through on that.

So I've promised Ian that I'd send off my manuscripts. Although I worry about what the almost certain rejection will do to me . . . it's nice to have a goal. I have to dig up one of them; I knew where it was before, but I don't now. So we'll see.

Dream Post #2: Jill & Wade's Wedding Redux

Last night I dreamed we were at Jill and Wade's wedding again, but this time, everyone knew about it, and Shannon and I were helping with it. However, as my dreams go, there were many askew moments.

Wade had to sit in some tiny little room in the basement, and I was in charge of keeping him and Jill apart. I was also in charge of transporting the cake, and when I put it on the dining-room table, it looked awful--it had been in my car for a few days. But Mrs. Sellers said it was okay.

Mrs. Sellers then asked Shannon if she had a flat iron for her hair, but Shannon just walked away. I quickly apologized to her, then ran after Shannon and asked why she was so rude to Mrs. Sellers. She looked at me, obviously surprised, and said, "Mrs. Sellers? Where was she?"

A few other bizarre things happened, and then I realized that Mr. and Mrs. Sellers were both invisible, and only I could see them.

And then I woke up.

Back in the Blog Life Again . . .

The last few weeks have been incredibly tumultuous! I haven't been writing because I've been so distracted.

A quick summary:

After my breakdown, I ended up getting another interview, so I had two, back to back. I interviewed with Virginia Tech on the 23rd, and the Union County Library on the 26th.

And that has done wonders for my confidence and hopes, for many reasons.

First, it shows me that I am marketable. That I can get interviews, even if they don't end in jobs.

And the VT job isn't going to work out, but that's okay. I haven't gotten a call back from them, but even if I do, it's just not going to happen. But, again, that's okay.

The Union job also isn't going to work out. It's a wonderful library, with wonderful people, but it's just not the job for me, so I removed myself from consideration for the position. It's nice to reject a job for once, instead of having a job reject you.

And this is not to say that I'll still be slap-happy-sappy if I haven't gotten another interview in a month . . . but I do have a lot more hope and positivity, and I can tell myself that I got some pretty awesome interviews.

Today I got up and did some yoga, and for the first time since I started doing it, or any other form of activity, I felt good. I felt good while I was doing it, I felt good afterward, and I feel good now.